Today sure has been an eventful day and a half. gigglin'

Woke up and got the children off to school, like usual.. Started my housework, went out for my walk, come home and hop in the shower...mid shower, my lights go out...

What the.... ???
I jump out, wrap myself in a towel and bolt to the bedroom window where I see the electricity guy driving away and think to myself...did I pay my bill ?? Yes, yes I did, I even copied down the reference number (which I hardly ever do) -- soooo... I get dressed and run to the store to call them, because my phone won't work if the power is out...

They tell me they'll be by before 4pm to reconnect it, they must have diconnected the wrong one... It's 11am, and you are only going to make it back sometime today ?? Nuh uh...lol...They were back within a half an hour from when they disconnected... thank goodness....

Anyway, after that fiasco, I had a meeting to go to in the afternoon... and it's been SUCH beautiful hot weather lately, which is nice... THEN, I got a phonecall that  I got the job... from an interview I had last week...

YAY !!!!! YAY !!!!! YAY !!!!! YAY !!!!!
I go for my criminal check and my physical & history next week, then start orientation after I get licensed...I'm excited...*happy dances*

And I really thought it was the start of a really bad day...au contraire !!  

♥

I don't think I've ever learned so many things about myself as I have these last few weeks.. As some know, I've been taking a course in self esteem.. I am coming out of this a new 'me' and it feels wonderful..

I've lived a lifetime of sadness, anger & self pity.. Sad to say, but true.. Although this course has been immensely helpful, I have to say it's also been a few weeks of very hard and eye opening lessons.. I give tons of credit to my facilitator who has opened my eyes in a really big way - but also to myself .. (yes, me) because as hard as this has been, I've been able to take everything on bit by bit and not only admit my wrongdoings, not only face my fears, but have also been working on change.. That is what is important through all of this..

 I went into this course thinking so negative about myself, and well let's be honest, I've spent a long long time thinking negative about myself.. Those who are friends with me, have probably dealt with my negativity in one form or another, and for that I truly apologize.. I don't claim to be 100% from this course, after all it's only been 4 weeks (2 weeks left, woohoo) but.. I can say I now have the tools to:
1 - find love for myself and my qualities
2 - enjoy my children, friends, family, and the small things in life in a positive, loving and most heartfelt way
3 - not be houseridden and scared of what life has to offer, take risks and know that if its not meant to be, it's simply not meant to be
4 - i've learned that negativity that surrounds me (in friends, family or even with myself ) has to go.. life is short, and I've no room to allow people to take happiness away from me and

5 - be authentic, be unique, and be HAPPY I am who I am, :-)

In doing this course, I've also learned to let go of alot of hostile feelings Ive had towards certain people... We all make mistakes, and we all deserve forgiveness.. I've even seen and accepted errors of my own ways, not the easiest thing to do but, I'm doing it... I still have a long way to go, but am honestly so happy that I know I am on the right track now, and that I'm strong enough to look into the very soul of me and weed out what I need to and embrace my posistives...embrace 'my' positives (hear that ? *big smile)

Complete honesty isn't always easy to take, especially when its opening yourself up for self inspection, and admitting your own negative ways.. And believe me, I had a lot of negative ways, no wonder I felt like I was drowning in myself so much... It took me a lot to get myself into this course, knowing I'd have to deal with "me" and I was my own worst enemy.. But it feels so fabulous to have climbed those hills and battled my inner demons as much as I have.. I have spent a lifetime of dealing with others woes and forgetting that mine were important too.. I am a people pleaser and well, always will be, but I keep forgetting that if I am not making sure "I" am okay too, I'll never be able to take care of others properly.. I'm only pushing my things aside as though they don't matter or count...I can't do that anymore...

I feel so cleansed, so at peace and so happy with myself.. Believe me, I still see the faults I hated about myself before, but I know it's not "all" I am, and I also know that only I have the power to change these things about me, and I'm working on that now...and if I can't change these things, I am wonderful just as I am ...

I also know I am worth happiness, in fact everyone is.. I know that I have felt knocked down and sad because I've let myself feel that... I can be more aware of my feelings, I can take breaks, I can be alone, and I 'can' love myself enough to want to do those things when I need to..

With a lot of self observation, I'm slowly weeding - it's all uphill from here - I'm continuing to take 'me' time, and children time, and 'friends' time... letting go of the negatives, finding forgiveness for some things that have held me hostage mentally and holding back my happiness - and finally -- enjoying life I've lost out on... so much to do, so much to see, and so many to reconnect with ... I've found the path to fabulous -- finally

xx.sylvie

Edit: I was going through some of my previous blogs on myspace...wow, the negativity in my is really scary... I was going to delete them, but I think I'll keep them there to look back on... and see my progress..

I've decided I miss blogging, and miss getting my thoughts somewhere.. Writing helps guide me, helps me see things in a proper perspective at times, and above all, relaxes me..

With all going on lately, I have a rollercoaster of emotions going on. Happiness, sadness, excitement, nervous and most of all... lost..In some areas of my life, I feel I am achieving success, but in others not so much.. I am a very positive person, takes a lot to pull me down, but once I am down it's hard to climb back up again. I've learned over time, a good way to speed up the climb, is to eliminate the negatives.. Not always the easiest thing to do, especially when you care about someone deeply...

I've spent the last few years getting to know someone, heart, mind and soul..First, as a friendship...what I thought was a very deep, caring and loving friendship.. We had a bond, meeting of the minds, we talked so much & laughed alot...Some deep conversations, and we overcame so many obstacles thrown in our way - then we decided we'd take the next step and make it more..
::sigh::

So much time invested, so much heartfelt worrying, and wondering and fears and I put all my trust into it, 100%.. Lies, such a demon - how does one overcome something so awful ? Forgiveness comes easy to me, but, I am very down on myself over all of this, hate the fact I am so naive, and find myself taking blame for so much of it, when I put my whole heart and soul into something that obviously wasn't returned...

But now, I've come to the realization I have 2 wonderful teenagers, I have a world of opportunites, like going back to school, work, reacquainting with old friends..Time to brush me off, pick me up and get life back on track.. My children need that, and I am definitely worth it... I am taking a break from it, and not pursuing friendship at this point.. I don't want to live in dwelling over the hurt and what I felt was something real...I don't think I'll hear anything either, as I've not heard or had a phonecall whatsoever.. I need the space to move on, and am doing so , but taking my time.. no real rush...taking time to enjoy life again..

And I very much missed being a submissive in that relationship, and my dependent and serving ways were found overwhelming.. I took many steps back from being "me" in the relationship and found myself apologizing and re-apologizing for my ways.. Deep down I now realize we made great friends, nothing  more.. and that's okay.. But, wondering if the friendship is gone now too, not sure I'll ever feel as I once did with having such a deep friendship...In fact, I'm quite certain we won't..

I start my esteem course Oct 9th, then off to upgrading and then college...Baby steps, but I'm getting there...

♥♥♥